We LIVE Where You Live!

The scream probably woke our downstairs neighbors. I was sitting lengthwise on the couch a few days ago, minding my own business, surfing the net and just generally relaxing. Steve was across the living room on his couch watching TV. I had this odd sense that I was being watched. I happened to glance up and over and there I saw it ...

One of those damned "Palmetto bugs" was nonchalantly sitting on the top of the couch, about six inches from my face, STARING. RIGHT. AT. ME.

I'm not normally all girly about stuff like that. I'll kill my own spiders and beetles and such. But we've had a rash of those things lately and they skeeve me out because they're bigger than my damn finger and they fly. No shit, I walked into the living room one night and the thing flew all the way across the room from the kitchen to the couch. And they're fast too so we've been chasing them around the room, catching them under cups and everything.

But that night took the cake because it was so close and thoughts of it crawling down under the blanket that covered my lap just freaked me out. I'm lucky my laptop didn't end up on the damn floor as I jumped up and did my girly, skeeved out bounce across the room.

Just as I screamed though, that thing turned around skittered behind the couch, as if it knew it had been caught. Steve headed to the kitchen to get a cup and I took a deep breath and went into defense mode.

I pulled the couch away from the wall as he held the cup high. The thing scampered across the floor, heading towards the bedroom. I'm screaming "Get it, get it!" as Steve is falling over everything to try and catch up with it.

We finally slam the cup down over it and the thing is so damn big, it's literally moving the cup as it scurries around in circles on the inside. We both sort of stare at each other with a "Now what do we do?" look on our face and Steve finally turns around, grabs a thin piece of cardboard, slides it under the cup and carries the whole contraption to the freezer.

We've tried stomping them, hitting them with something, traps and nothing works. We even tried boric acid but they just swim around in it like it's vacation.

The freezer came about because we were both unnerved at how fast they were and wanted to slow them down. My theory is that you'd be able to freeze them whole and thaw them out and they'd still be alive. That's how indestructible I've heard these damn things are. Besides, they've been around for millions of years, what's a night in the freeze going to do.

Apparently, a lot because as we experimented, a night in the freezer and a day of thawing out does not a reincarnated Palmetto Bug make. Regardless, down the disposal they go, just in case.

I know they're somewhat of a local mascot and I know if I call the landlord to spray, they'll laugh at me. I know they're not attracted to filth, like the rest of their kind, and that's it more the rain and the pine straw beds that constitute pretty much our whole front lawn that draws them out. We even figured that they're probably getting in through our fireplace, which happens to sit right behind the couch I was sitting on the other night.

I know all this. I try to explain it to Steve. I was the calm one in the situation for awhile. Now, I'm just as skeeved and grossed out as he is because it was so. damn. close.

It's time for drastic measures. Time to board up the fireplace and all the windows. Time to clear a special spot in the freezer. Time to go dig up all the pine straw.

Time for something because now I have all these thoughts of waking up with one in my face. Or having it crawl over my shoulder as I'm reading or get in my hair as I'm in the kitchen getting or drink or something.

Ths ain't Joe's Apartment. You're not welcome here, Palmetto Bugs! Get out or get froze out!